My girl.

Grace Annabelle Truscinski. The force of nature that is my daughter.  She was difficult even during labor and the path she took to be born. It was all on her terms...she decided she wanted to do it her way, and she stuck to her guns. In fact, she almost killed me on her birth journey (ok that was harsh, but you get me drift) She's my strong willed child....my natural born leader that just needs to be reigned in, with boundaries, but with a voice. A strong voice. I struggle so much because I see so much of her dad in her. The parts of her dad that I struggle with in his and my relationship. But there are times that I realize she has more me in her than I think.
I had a moment with her tonight that made me question lots of things.  What am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? How can I shape her to be the best person she can be. Strong, but emphatic.....tough, but genuine. Raw, but real. I think about all the things that I was growing up, and all the things I've grown up to be, and I wonder how I can instill this knowledge into her, my little mini-me.

I was reading to my 3 year old Max, and Grace came in the room saying she had scraped her leg on her bed and it was bleeding, so she got a bandaid, but needed me. I noticed that her story of how she scraped her leg seemed a little off, so I bluntly said "honey, did that really happen? Are you lying to me?" To my surprise, she said yes (about lying.) I asked her why. She said she just wanted my attention...wanted me to worry about her so that I would come to her room and spend some time with her. It was then that I realized, to my horror, that she is more like me that I realized. My head started swirling with all of these thoughts....all of these "why's" and "why nots." All of the reason's why I don't want her to struggle with some of the issue's I struggled with as a kid.
I remember as a young kid, probably late elementary school, being so self conscience in so many ways. My earliest memory of this was when a classmate of mine came up to me and said, "nice shoes...what brand are they? Oh wait, they aren't a brand name." I was so devastated, and so embarrassed that it nearly destroyed me...at age 10.  I remember convincing my parents to take me to the outlet mall so that I could get a "name brand" pair of shoes. All because of what this one kid said to me. I was that easily influenced. I'll never forget going to school the day after I had gotten those shoes, and that same kid noticing them and saying, "hey, cool shoes." I felt good. I felt validated. I felt worthy. I felt empowered.
I never want my daughter to feel that way. I never want her to only feel worthy and validated by having a certain "item" or "things." Something that other people perceive you have to have in order to fit in or be cool.
I see this in Grace. But I see so many other things in her too.  Things that I never was growing up.
She might be strong willed, might be hard to handle at times. She might be tricky to figure out, and hard to read, but these are the things she IS. This is my message to her.

Grace Annabelle....you are fierce, and loyal. You are a natural born leader that, yes, needs to be reigned in at times, (And can be classified as "bossy") but overall you are a strong kick-ass little woman. You are gentle and sensitive, yet ruthless and driven. You know what you want, and know what you don't, and that was something I never felt as a child. Your strengths might feel like your weaknesses at times, especially when it comes to our relationship, but know that you have more strengths at your age than I ever did. You question your strengths, you question your worth. You question how smart you are scholastically, and there are so many times you don't feel smart, or worthy. But I'm here to say that you are....you are smart, and you are worthy. And you shouldn't ever base your worth off of something as superficial as name brand shoes, or kids telling you what "smart" is, or what other people think of you, regardless of what that is. Do not let other people dull your sunshine. Do not let other people make you question your worth, your smarts, your beauty or your drive. You will do great things, and I will stand by you. I will be there when you question.  I will be there when you cry. I will be there when you struggle, or doubt, or fear or fall. But most importantly, I know without a doubt that throughout your journey, I will watch with admiration, encourage with gentle guidance, and see you change into an inspiring, amazing, feisty, and go-getter young woman. I am so proud to be your mom. You may only be 9, but you have taught me so much about life, love, leadership and loyalty. You will forever be my girl, my force to be reckon with, my stubborn smart ass child, my hilarious spit fire, and my love. And I will forever be there for you throughout it all.